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Not anymore." “Beth, don’t do this-“ he starts, desperately, but I shake my head. “No,” I whisper and with that tiny word, my heart breaks. I will myself to look at Mark and it kills me to see the devastation on his face. Nodding, he gives me a hard kiss on my forehead before letting me go and steps back. “Okay. Let me take you home,” he murmurs. ************* It is one in the morning and I am lying on my bed in shorts and a vest, still milling over Mark’s words in my head. We didn’t say anything in the taxi and he didn’t try to strike up a conversation. As I say goodbye to him and go into my house, I feel my soul breaking with my heart, with the knowledge that I have turned him away. I can’t believe he said he still loves me - how is that possible? As much as I want a future with him, I have to disregard my feelings to save myself the heartbreak of a ill-fated, long-distance relationship. A gentle knock on my door disrupts my thoughts. “Beth?” It is my mom but I stay still. I don’t. In fact, I have a study group early Saturday morning, but I can meet you at the park after your soccer game and we don’t have to spend any money at all.’ I answered her with a twenty-second hug. * * * * * I didn’t want to go home to my empty apartment without a book to read, so I decided to hop on the subway and go to the Mid Manhattan Library because they stayed open a lot later than the St. Agnes branch, plus it is a pretty cool place to hang out. I finished my book on the subway and it was so good I almost didn’t want another book, I just wanted to think about this kid Oskar walking all over New York and missing his dad like I missed my mom. But I knew once I got back to the apartment I’d wish I had a book, so I went. I tried to return my book in the drop box, but it was all the way full with books sticking out of it so I walked up to one of the help desks and said ‘I’d like to return this but the drop is full.’ The guy didn’t look away from his computer screen and just said.
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